Dear lord, do i have a lot to say….

Empty. This is what i would say if you asked me to descrbe myself in one word. I know exactly why i feel this way, but i don’t want to talk about it with anyone, and that is probably making it worse, but i do not care. I miss my bestfriend. She is constantly working, and it breaks my heart when i can’t see her, since she’s the only person that really know me inside and out, better then i know myself. Well, she did a few months ago, now i don’t even know whats happening in her life. It’s really a shame when friendships you have built since pre-school crash and burn because you have no control over them. It sucks knowing that you’re no longer number one in someones life, but you will always put them first no matter what. But, i understand people grow up, i understand that people grow apart, i just never thought it would happen to us. Becuase of all the things we have been through together. I don’t really want anyone else next to me at my wedding, and i am heartbroken to say that i belive that she won’t be standing there. Her 21st birthday is monday and i have been waiting for this day for seven months exactly. I can’t wait for her to explerience some fun, cause she really does deserve it because she workds so fucking hard.

This is going to be a huge rant, that you all are not interested in, so if you have read this far.. i suggest you stop now haha.

I had six dreams last night.. I would dream, and wake up, then dream and wake up, then dream again. They werent necessarily bad dreams though, i just didn’t really want to have them. everytime i woke up i would tell myself that i wasn’t going to have the dream again, but it always happened. it was the exact same dream just set in a different location, and this dream only included one person, and some dialouge. what does that mean? i mean, i know what if made me want to do.. but what was the reason behind this? sometimes i really thing the universe just wants to fuck with me. Anyway, i thought about you all fucking day… and when i texted you, you said something that really got me thinking, about all the stuff we talked about in the dream i had, and i really need to see you soon, i really need some closure, and i know you do to. I couldn’t stop thinking about the day you cried on the phone to me, and i thought deeply in detail about how those few months were before you were happy again, and i am crushed. but i want you to know that i know exactly how you were feeling those months because i can promise you i am feeling it now, only one hundred times worse. Maybe we will talk one day soon.

i know i mentioned before that it feels like there is a bunch of snot in my throat…

yep, i still feel like that…

I honestly do not have any friends. I mean, i have people who tell me that they love me and that they have my back but when it comes time to actually support me and be there they are missing. I have friends that USE me, oh boy do i have a lot of those.. the ones that always push your problems to the side becasue they believe that theirs are so much worse.. and the ones that use you to meet new people and then leave you out when they hang out with the people that you intruduced them to. And i’m honestly fucking tired of it. I really can’t fathom that i am associated with people who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. and WHY do people text you when you don’t talk anymore just to update you about how WONDERFUL their lives are. like, i am sorry that i hurt you, i’m sorry we didn’t work out, yes i know that i am a fucking asshole, but please, spare me, and don’t ruin my night with you’re I’m doing great, looking great, and living the best life every text. fuck.

it’s twenty of four in the morning and i’m about to go to a diner by myself.

I’m always fucking hungry, and i hate my body. this is not going to turn into a fucking girly i hate the way i look paragraph, so if people are still reading this, don’t stop now, it’s almost over. To sum everything up, young love, is such dumb love, call it what you want it was still enough. sorry, i had to throw some sort of lyric in there. I’m going to be up until the sun comes up for sure, so i might as well go make myself some food. thanks for listening tumblr, you are fucking wonderful.

1 week ago  /  1 note

I guess I just miss the way things used to be………

1 week ago  /  0 notes